Market Misery

Posted: May 11, 2010 in Politics

Originally in my Wiltshire Magazine Blog

In the past month we’ve had volcano misery, election misery and now market misery. We certainly are a miserable lot!

Five days into a hung parliament and the media has been quick to assess the situation. “Election misery” has afflicted our undecided nation like a blight.

So acute has this ‘misery’ been that a hundred school children spontaneously burst into tears during an assembly in Cornwall yesterday. “If only they’d think of the economy,” one five year old said, before blowing his nose on Miss Morgan’s skirt.

The volcano in Iceland, jealous of all the attention which the hung parliament is getting, decided to cause another round of “travel misery” by spewing even more ash into the air. “You don’t know the meaning of the word,” the volcano said, when asked why it delighted in creating misery.

An alien observing from space would conclude that we are a miserable lot, us humans. We complain about everything, and our worries are without end.

The most vocal worrier of late however, is a section of society known as ‘the markets’. They are at their wits end over this election business! Most of us don’t take news like this so seriously. We’re even grateful for events like this, as it provides much needed conversation when a dinner party goes quiet.

The markets however, are well and truly upset. If the markets were to become human, I’m certain they would have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Johnnie Market – let us call him – would spend half his time in the loo, he worries so much.

Johnnie Market’s the sort of person who loves predictable endings. His favourite sitcom is Friends, and he only ever watched a tennis final if Tim Henman was playing.

Until recently he was a massive Manchester United supporter, before suddenly switching to Chelsea. He prefers the term pragmatist to ‘glory hunter’.

He hates spontaneity. He gets grumpy if his friends give him a surprise birthday party and starts shedding value all over the place.

Despite his IBS, he abhors weakness. He despises men who cry – even out of joy – and rarely visits Italy because of this.

Above all, he hates indecision. All of this hung parliament nonsense is really making him mad. But why do we care what he thinks?

We already know that Johnnie Market is a bore, and the last person we’d consider a friend. Sure he’ll throw a strop, like most immature people when they fail to get their way. But it will be good for him in the long run.

Let us teach him a lesson in patience. As Jeremy Hardy said on The News Quiz, “The markets are entirely discredited anyway, if we can’t make our minds up, we can’t make our minds up and you’ll have to WAIT.”


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